D.A.B.D.A.

Whenever I go through Kubler Ross' Grieving Stages, I usually skip the first, DENIAL! Madali kasi akong tumanggap ng katotohanan kaya talon na ako sa pangalawa, ANGER! Tulad ngaun, I am so very furious! Hinde ko alam kung kanino o saan, basta galit ako! At napagbalingan ko ang lesbiyanang bumubuntot sa akin kanina sa mall, na kung ewan ko ba kung ano'ng meron sa likod ko at halos mayapos na nya ako! Sa sobrang lapit nya natapakan pa nya ang tsinelas ko! I looked back and stared at her which punched a hole right into her head! She said sorry and walked pass through me. Pagdating sa escalator, aba hinintay ako at pinauuna pa! Haller! Lumipat ako sa kabilang side para dedmahin ang pagkagentlewoman nya! I had to go to the 3rd floor of the mall but decided to take the stairs, hmmn that is another story I have to tackle.... as much as I can, I really stay away from "moving stairs!" Dumb of me! Anyway, so when I was about to climb, this lesbian girl was behind me again! I can even feel the air coming out of her nose, that's how near she was to me! So I stopped, looked at her and said.... "please, by all means, go ahead!!!" Yeah, I speak in English when I'm mad.

BARGAINING would be the third stage at ayaw ko ng makipagbargain this time! Lagi na lang bang may kapalit? Bakit, sa mga ginawa kong mabuti dati hinde naman ako humingi ng kapalit ah? I do not want to sound godly or pious cause I commit mistakes every now and then but can't I take something for gratis? Sooo depressing, so I'm already on the fourth? DEPRESSION? How fast! Just this afternoon I'm angry, now I'm depressed! Well, inability to sleep, lack of appetite, uninterested in human interaction are some of the signs that I am depressed and I think I have them all right now! "Waiter, Prozac please!"

I doubt it that I will reach the final stage, ACCEPTANCE! Lagi na lang bang dapat tanggapin kung anong andyan na? Wow! Hinde ba pwedeng tumanggap na kung anuman ang hiningi? For the first time in my life, I have uttered these words profoundly.... sabi ko, "bahala Ka na! Itinataas ko lahat ng galit ko Sa'yo! Tutal kahit anong gawa ko kung wala Ka namang awang ibibigay e balewala ang effort ko! Bahala Ka na, Ikaw din naman ang masusunod sa bandang huli!" Did that just sound blasphemous?

I usually don't cry! Matigas nga daw ako sabi ng ama ko, walang pakialam sa mundo! But when I see Jen's face and feel her longingness to be with me... to know that she is there all by herself.... to realize she is singly working for the two of us.... I let all my guards down! I know, I know! I should be the stronger version of myself at this point in time, but I AM ONLY HUMAN. My anthropoid-like emotions come out when I see and think of Jen. My Jen, my precious Jen. I know that in less than 3 months, we will be together again but I know I will die when she leaves! I do not want to afflict her of bad vibes and I don't want to be the crab in her life. I'd rather have her spread her wings and chase her dreams than to choose being with me and sink down a pool of shit!

This isn't a suicide note, not a break up letter neither.... just ranting.

I hope Jen doesn't read this.