on Prozac

I've had several bouts of temporary depression these past couple of days. You know, things about life, family, profession, and health are taking a toll on my sanity. I have been crying a lot and it's not good! Add the fact that Jen is away from me and it's our 4th Anniversary tomorrow. We'll be celebrating separately and it makes me feel awful. This is the first time that we are not together on our anniversary but the positive thing is that one of us is at least employed! Wow, this is me again being selfish! This should be a post of celebration but here I am, writing about whines, worries and complaints! *me slaps me self* And holy mother of crap, what's with the weather? I am a huge, huge fan of the rain but please spare me now!!!

I have been receiving a lot of invitations from friends to hang out and have a good time. Declined some and was too shy to say no to some High School friends so we're going to have a 'session' this Friday night. Actually, I wasn't really a part of this group's circle way back in HS but I get along with them well. That was me in HS, I consider myself as someone who didn't really belong to a particular group but I fit in anywhere and I do get along with classmates and schoolmates.

One invitation that I declined is from my ex Sharon. Duh! She wants me to go with her in Romblon and meet her family there. Huh, when we were still together I didn't have the urge to go there so why now?! Yeah, I know, she might just want me to really meet her family and unwind for some time but I don't want to be 'that girl' who ruins relationships... mine with Jen and hers with god knows who, who, and who! And who... until Horton hears a who!

I still don't have any direction when it comes to my work. No news about that freakin' english exam and my credentials evaluation. I can't seem to start reading my books for the state board and I'm confined in my own self-built prison and I feel I'm standing and stagnant and rotting on a crossroad! Sometimes I wish I have an emotional range a size of a teaspoon so as not to process a lot of emotions all at the same time! Damn!

I'm beginning to consider having something to compensate for daily expenses. Like having a job for example? Duh, shouldn't I have considered that a long time ago? I know Jen would be hesitant about it and would convince me to just concentrate on my review but oh my lord, since 2007 I've been in five review classes already!!! NLE, IELTS, NCLEX, TOEFL iBT, NPTE! So what's next in line? C'mon! Please let it be a job this time!!! A decent one! Something that would allow me to buy a house, a car, a health insurance perhaps! I'm getting old! And getting old without having some savings isn't good!!!

Now don't get me wrong here. Yes, Jen supports me financially but I don't want to burden her with just her providing for the both of us. It's so not me! I don't want to just sit all day and wait for my partner's moolah twice a month! I have a humongous pride when money is involved. I even remember the first time Jen and I met. I was supporting myself to College back then taking my second course and I stopped working at that time. Jen was an OFW and was bound to go back to Qatar the next day when we met but I didn't allow her to pay for our dinner. Yeah, she insisted to pay but I didn't conform because at the back of my mind, I didn't want her to think that I can't pay and that she has more money than I am.... so untrue! Haha!

I am setting up two of my friends together. Doodz (one my friends who I'll have session with on Friday) and Connie are on the same "team" as Jen and I and I am keeping my fingers crossed that they will click! I would like to believe Connie is into her already because the latest news is that she (Connie) is replying to Doodz's messages. Haha, Connie, diz iz it! Doodz, you are so highschoolish! Haha!

Baby! So it's official! It's four years already! Haha! Congrats to you for keeping up with me! As I have told you, I can see myself growing old with you and I even have this thing in my head that you'll be the one changing my diaper when I'm too weak to go to the bathroom. Haha! And I will kick your face if you will puke while doing that! Haha! Geesh, I really miss you! It is really better when we are together. Thank you for the best four years of my life! More to come, so sure of that!!! And please, stop doubting! Practice what you preach about faith and stuff baby! I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH baby! I will see you tomorrow! On skype though! *sigh*